Pain
by imslytherinatheart
Summary: Two shot about Hermione and Severus dealing with infertility, loss, and finding their way back to happiness. Rated M for themes so PLEASE read warnings in A/N before reading.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Read the warnings before reading this fic. This is a two shot, it is not like my normal happy fics, it has themes relating to Suicide, infertility, loss of an unborn child and depression. I am not straying from my promise to make sure my fics have a happy ending as I cannot force myself to kill off anyone and this fic will have a happy ending but everything in between is less then happy. Please do not flame me because you failed to read the warning and were offended or hurt by anything in this fic.

HERMIONE'S P.O.V.

Two years it has been since he left me here... alone...unloved...and completely, utterly depressed. I wasn't always like this, I was once happy, carefree, loving and full of hope, but now... I sport a deranged smile as I sit near the fire in this stupid, overly large manor that was supposed to be our home, with a shiny piece of metal that will finally allow my escape from my tortured life.

You see, five years ago we started dating. It was a shock to everyone at first, I mean...come on, who would believe that Hermione Granger and Severus Snape would ever date and fall in love – the idea was ludicrous but it was true... we did date and we did fall in love.

The entire relationship moved quickly. From the time we agreed to date to the time we decided to get married was only a matter of six months. The date was set, the place arranged, the dress picked out...it would have been perfect – but perfect was never meant to be, not for me at least.

Two days before the wedding I started to bleed. It was heavier then a period, much heavier, I actually passed out from the blood loss. Severus took me to St. Mungos where it was discovered that I was pregnant but the reason for my bleeding was because I lost it... I lost my baby.

We didn't get married when we planned. I was too weak and too upset to actually go on with it. We canceled and agreed to give it a few months before setting a new date.

Severus tried to hide his disappointment but I knew him to well. He was just as upset over the loss of the baby as I was but he held strong...for my sake.

It was only two months later when Severus and I had a heart to heart... I wanted a baby..our baby and I was willing to start trying even if we weren't married. Severus gave me a smile, a smile that only I'd seen when he agreed and so... we started trying. It actually didn't take long. I was pregnant by the second month but apparently, that baby wasn't meant to be either and I lost it only three weeks after discovering I was pregnant.

The very next month I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. Ginny Potter was expecting her first baby and Harry couldn't be more proud. I tried to act happy, but deep down I was dying. I was jealous, I was hurt, and I felt like people were conspiring against me... was it really so much to ask for? Was it really so bad to want a child?

By the time Ginny hit four months along I discovered I was pregnant once again. I did everything I could do... even putting myself on bed rest in hopes the baby would stay with me this time, but again...it was a short lived happiness and I felt like I had died the same day as the baby did.

Severus did his best to comfort me, a side of him only I managed to see. He promised to figure out the reason I couldn't carry a child and by gods did he try. I watched him pour over books for hours and hours, day after day, but in the end... there was no logical reason for it. We ended up going to a specialist, a magical specialist that dealt with Infertility in wizarding couples and we were quickly informed that I had a curse on me that would never allow me to carry a child to term... it was a dark curse that was nothing more then slow torture.

Severus attacked it like a mad man. He looked up everything he could to find a way to break the curse but from everything we learned, the curse had never been able to be lifted once placed. I ended up on a potion to prevent pregnancy as neither of us could handle the loss of another child.

Ginny went on to deliver her child... a healthy, chubby little baby that looked so much like his father it was almost scary. I smiled and cooed just like everyone else but inside I was crying, screaming at the unfairness of it all. I just wanted a baby... every womans right.. but it alluded me.

Despite the potion I ended up pregnant again and this time it stuck for five whole beautiful months. It was the day I was to find out if our child was a boy or girl, we had actually reached that point and I was so happy, more happy then I could ever remember being. We weren't sure why the curse hadn't stopped it but neither of us were complaining. The healer waved his wand over my stomach. A pink or blue light should have glowed at wand tip but it remained black. The healer did a few more diagnostic waves and discovered the baby had died. Five whole months I carried our son before he was taken from us. I ended up delivering our still born baby that night. He was beautiful... small.. but beautiful. His skin was transparent as he had very little to no fat on his little body but he had already stated to grow hair, black, soft hair. We were devastated over the loss of our son who we named Arcturus.

I fell into depression after that.. one that I was not able to shake despite the comfort from Severus and our friends.

Three years into our relationship, I woke up to an empty bed. Severus had left some point in the night without so much as a note. I remembered thinking that morning that he probably couldn't handle it anymore, the loss was too great and I was a mere shell of myself.

I waited and waited but he didn't come back, he never sent a letter, he didn't send a message through the grape vine.. he was gone – gone from me and now, two years after he left I am still childless and worst of all... I am without him.

Now as I sit by the fire, thinking of how happy things could have been I cant help but cry. I've lost so much over the last four and a half years, loses I would never wish upon my worst enemy. My mood suddenly changes and I laugh at the irony of it all. I risked my life along with Harry and Ron to make the world a better place, a place I would feel safe to raise a child in and someone, some sadistic bastard took that from me.

I glance around our manor once more and sigh. The place is so empty, so lonely. There is no warmth despite the roaring fire, the manor is a freezing hell for me, but I know it will all be over in a few minutes time and that thought make me smile... a true, genuine smile.

I raise the blade to my wrist and slice. The bright red blood flows freely and I watch it drip from my arm to the floor. The feeling I get is satisfaction. Satisfaction in knowing that who ever cursed me will know that I refused to live through their torture and took myself out of the equation. I raise my bloody arm and use it to slice the other wrist. I needed to do it before I became to weak... this had to be done right the first time. I again watch the red, sticky liquid that my body desperately needs to sustain life, drip to the floor below me and I smile. I know my friends will be upset, I know they will be angry so I do the only thing I can think of and use my bloody finger to write 'I'm sorry' on the floor next to where I plan to lie down and let death take me away.

The room is getting darker, my senses are dulled but I still smile, completely unaware of the sorrowful eyes of Bandy, the one house elf that Severus left behind.

I don't know if I've died, I just don't. My world seemed to have frozen in time but whatever it is... I feel peace for the first time in years as I float in this odd state of being.

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BANDY'S 'short' P.O.V.

Master left me here to watch over the miss. She is unhappy, more unhappy then I have seen anyone. I watch her walk around the manor, crying and cursing and have done so for two years now. I felt like something was different tonight so I followed her into the study and stood in the corner, watching and waiting to see why something feels different.

Master had discovered a potion to cure the curse on the miss and left to get the ingredients. Master said they were hard to find and most were rare so it could be along time before he returned to her. I had to promise Master Snape to stay out of her way and pretend like I do not stay here. I was not allowed to let her know I was even in the manor so for the last two years I have watched in silence.

I watch a smile come to her face and I smile as well, it has been along time since I've seen that but that is short lived as I see her slide a piece of metal across her skin and start to bleed. I don't know what to do but I now Master would be very displeased if she was hurt.

I finally snap back to life after watching in horror as she turns pale. I cast a charm and freeze time in the manor as I know I must get Master Snape.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SEVERUS'S P.O.V.

I had just collected the last ingredient for the potion I need to brew. I sat back on the rock that rested peacefully on the mountain side and smiled, I would soon be back to Hermione. Two years ago I had found a small black book in the library, a book I didn't even know existed. I flipped the pages of the book and almost fell over when I found a potion that would end dark curses. As happy as I was, I didn't want to tell Hermione and get her hopes up in the case I couldn't find the ingredients.

I wrote her a note telling her I would be back as soon as I could. I simply said that I needed to figure out some things and needed to leave for a while. I place the note on the dresser and left while she was still sleeping.

As I closed my eyes and leaned against the rock for some much needed rest, I heard a load pop off to the left of where I was. I pulled my wand instinctively as I have been through hell over the last two years dealing with evil creatures that wanted nothing more then to make me into a meal. I prepare to open my eyes and fire a stunning spell when I hear a soft elfy voice call Master Snape and I instantly knew it was Bandy.

The elf looked frighted and upset so I put my wand away and gave him a questioning look. He wrung his little hands and started to cry while telling me what he had witnessed and what he had done to stop it.

I can feel my heart plummet as he tells the story in vivid detail about the blood and the shiny piece of metal that caused it. When Bandy finally finished, he took me by the hand and disappeared with me back to the manor.

We arrived in the study and land no more then five feet from Hermione. Her skin is pale, her lips blue yet she wears a smile. The blood is surrounding her body and it is very obvious that if not for Bandy she would have succeeded in taking her life.

My heart is pounding in my chest so hard that it feels ready to burst through the skin. I fight back my overwhelming urge to panic as the sight of her body in such a state is worse then anything I ever witnessed in all my time of serving Voldemort. I know every second is going to count so while Bandy refreshes the charm to hold longer I bend over her body and seal her woulds with my wand. Once I am sure I have sealed her completely, repairing the veins and tendons first. I pick up her body which is now colder then it should be and carry her up the stairs to our room.

After I laid her down on the bed, I went straight for my lab in hopes it has not been disturbed. I walked straight over to my cabinet and pull out three blood replenishing potions that were luckily still good. When I returned, I forced the potion into her mouth, making he swallow every drop before slumping into my chair that Bandy placed near the bed... All I could do now was wait and hope she was alright.


	2. Chapter 2

Three days later...

Hermione opened her eyes and found herself in her bed, clean, redressed and... alive. She wanted to cry at the realization, she was so close to being free of this misery. She sat up slowly and instantly noticed her sleeping... boyfriend? Hell she didn't know what to call him, he left two years ago without so much as a word to her. She studied his face. It looked slightly aged from the last time she had seen him and he looked like he was worn out... she almost felt bad for him... almost.

Her concern for him quickly faded and turned into anger. He left her when she was at her lowest point, no note, no communication, no anything and she hated him for it. Yes the situation was stressful, yes the situation was painful but they could have worked through it, maybe adopted once they came to terms with her infertility but he left, he left before they even had a chance to talk about other options, he left when she was still in mourning over her child and infertility, it was as if he had taken the knife that was already impaled in her chest and twisted it.

The old Hermione Granger would have recovered from this... all of this, but when he left and she was still in the state she was in, she just didn't have the will to fight anymore and she gave up and now, two years later he stops her from finding relief and freedom and again... she hated him for it.

She still felt weak but her anger over came that little problem. She stood from the bed, walked to the back of the chair and knocked it over sending him to the floor. She stood back and waited for him to get up, which he did quickly, before she threw herself at him, hitting him for saving her, hitting him for leaving her, hitting him for not being there after everything they had gone through together.

Severus grabbed her arms around the elbow area, avoiding her wrist at all cost and looked down to the angry woman who was currently giving him the glare of death.

"Why would you do this?" he asked, suddenly angry with her for trying to off herself, angry for making him worry, angry for almost making him lose her.

Hermione stood back, tears streaming down her face and she let go...

"Why? WHY?" she screamed, "You left me... you...you disappeared, after everything we went through you just left."

Hermione suddenly lunged at him again, pounding her fist into his chest while sobbing, "Why did you save me?" she yelled louder, "I didn't want to be saved... I don't want to be here any longer and you took that from me. All I wanted was to be free of this pain, free of this miserable fucking life and you show up after two years and stop me... Its not fair!!"

Hermione suddenly stopped beating him and dropped to the ground in gut wrenching sobs. Severus stood their for a minute before dropping down to his knees next to her.

"Why Hermione? Please tell me why you would do this? I didn't leave you... I would never leave you."

Hermione closed her eyes tighter, refusing to look at him. She heard what he had said but it didn't make sense. Why would he vanish for two years?

"I just want to go Severus... I want to be with Arcturus, I want to be with the other babies... I don't want to be here." she said softly, hoping the ground would just swallow her.

"I wont let you go. I need you and I did not leave you."

"Then explain... where the hell have you been?"

"I left you a note... I told you I would be back as soon as I figured something out."

Hermione laughed in a manic type way, "There was no note. I woke up and you were gone. There was no note, no owls, no communication... you just vanished."

Severus shook his head, he knew he had left a note. He picked up her weakened body from the cold stone floor and placed her back in the bed.

"I did leave you a note, It was vague, but I had to be... I didn't want to get your hopes up at the time." he almost whispered.

"What would have gotten my hopes up?" she asked, now full of curiosity.

Severus sat back in his chair and rubbed his hands over his face. "I found a potion that will destroy dark curses. I wanted to tell you, I really did but the ingredients are rare and hard to find... I didn't want to tell you that we would have a child when I wasn't sure I could get the ingredients I needed."

"Did y- you get them?" she asked, calming herself down.

"I did. I actually collected the last ingredient an hour before I found you."

Severus then rose from his chair and walked over to the dresser where he had left the note.

"I left the note here that morning... are you sure you didn't find it?"

"I'm positive. I looked over everything and found nothing."

Severus dropped down to his knees and ran his hand under the dresser. Finding nothing, he stood back up and looked behind it where he spotted the dusty note, sealed like the day he had left it.

"The note must have fallen," he said as he reached behind the dresser, fishing the note out. He then walked back to Hermione and handed her the note. She looked at the envelope and sat it down, there was no need to read it now... she believed him.

* * *

A month later, Hermione sat on a stool in the lab, class of green potion in her hand. This was it, the potion that would either lift the curse or destroy her hope.

After he showed her the note, the pair began talking and managed to work everything out. Hermione felt stupid in many ways but the despair she was feeling at the time out weighed any logical thought she had.

"This is it." she stated, looking into the black eyes of her once again boyfriend... soon to be husband.

He gave her a nod, signaling her to drink. The potion would lift the curse within minutes of drinking the potion if it worked. They had an appointment with the fertility specialist in less then an hour to be rechecked for the curse.

Hermione lifted the glass and drank the thick, fish smelling potion, making her gag several times. They waited but nothing happened, they weren't even sure that there was supposed to be any physical effects.

They arrived at the specialist thirty minutes later, both silent and almost afraid to know if it had worked. Neither had said much the entire time... the tension was too thick. When the specialist finally called them back, he greeted the pair with a friendly smile. He honestly didn't think the curse was lifted but he had to take the chance. He requested Hermione to lay back while he ran the diagnostic over her body.

Severus sat in silence, watching the mans face for any signs that would tell him if it had worked or not. He quickly decided he would not like to play poker with this man.

Hermione was less then patient and quickly asked," Well, is the curse still there?"

The specialist looked between the pair and smiled, "The curse is gone and your body is in perfect health. You should have no problems in carrying a child."

Severus jumped from his chair in a very uncharacteristic way and let out a whoop causing Hermione to break into a round of laughter and happy tears.

* * *

It took only three months for Hermione to conceive and nine months after that she delivered an 8lb 4 oz baby girl with a head full of black hair.

Severus was completely thrilled at the birth of his daughter and had absolutely no problem showing his emotions, especially after everything they had gone through. He ran from the delivery room to the waiting room full of people that were waiting for the news.

Cheers could be heard through out the entire floor, all ecstatic that Hermione and Severus had finally received their child, a child that would be the first of many.

Three month after the birth of Sirena Elizabeth Snape, Hermione and Severus married and remained that way for the rest of their lives.

Hermione went on to have two daughters and three sons, all of which had their fathers black hair only the girls hair was curly.

* * *

A/N: In a perfect world, all women would be able to conceive and deliver healthy children, unfortunately this is not a perfect world and there are thousand upon thousands of women who will never experience the miracle of becoming a mother. I am dedicating this story to a friend of mine who finds herself as one of these women who cannot have a child. She has faced over 10 miscarriages and was simply told that her body is rejecting the babies. While I have had three pregnancies, all went well and I have two sons and a daughter so I do not know first hand how it feels to lose a child. I have however sat with my friend for many nights as she recovered from the loss of her babies and listened to how she truly felt. Her strength is an inspiration to me as I am not sure how I would feel if I were told I could not have children and I give her husband a hearty pat on the back for crying the pain away with her.


End file.
